The Joke

I told a bad joke
like really bad
evil bad
Someone told it to me in college
and everyone thought it was funny because it was so horrible
the kind of joke where the response to the punchline is always someone declaring “that’s awful!”
and I warned everyone how bad it was before I told it
and I tried not to tell it
but they insisted
when I finished I regretted telling it
and someone declared “that’s awful”
and I said “I told you it would be!”

and later that night you told me
how sick you got
when you lost your health insurance
and your meds ran out
and you were hospitalized
when the HIV turned to full blown AIDS
and how my dad isn’t supposed to know

And all I can think about is that joke I told
And how I wish I could take it back
And five years later how it still haunts me
And  I wonder what you think of me
And if anything changed between us because I told that joke before I knew anything
And I don’t know if I’ve ever told you how sorry I am for that joke